Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
