I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
