I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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