I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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