So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm like, not good at living.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
