She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
