I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
