I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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