if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
