i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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