Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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