Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
