Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
