It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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