this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
