Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
