I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
