Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
