dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
