You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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