If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
