Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
