Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
