is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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