Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
