Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
