my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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