there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
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Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.