onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar