I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
