my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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