I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
