His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Vodka?
Forever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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