Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
