i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
