And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
