Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
