Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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