Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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