I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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