I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
