Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
