mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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