WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
