My nipple is on Facebook.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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