I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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