cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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