70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
