Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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