I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
