i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
