You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
