She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
