Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
