Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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