What tipped you off? The sombrero?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
